i feel like writing.

In the shadows of that room, my memories lurked. That nostalgic, dim lighting, I basked in it's lonliness. Left alone by the brightness of the day and the warmth of the sun. The shutters are closed, I let go of the hand that held me so close. I let go of the ones who loved me the most.

emotion;

I don't know why I'm so emotional lately. I feel frustrated and stressed. My insides are twisting and turning. I just want something to hold on to, something to anchor me. Something to remind me to do the right thing. I feel like crying and screaming, but I'm not even sure why. I feel horrible as the days go by, and it's not optional, I just FEEL without thinking. My heart feels heavy and I just want summer to be here so I can rest. Reboot. Restart.

I came here with the intention of restarting. I came here to do better and feel better. To cut off all ties I had before. But, contrary to what I wanted, I'm doing worse. Only thing different is the people and the fact I actually find refuge in my church. But, how can I express how I feel when I'm not even sure what's going on inside my head. I cried yesterday without even being sure why I was crying. I mean I kind of do know what started it, my dad, but I'm not exactly sure why.

I feel so guilty, but for what?

no regrets;

It was my decision, I chose to do it.
After feeling like CRAP, I realized, no regrets. I'm not allowed to regret it. I knew what I was doing, I knew it was wrong, and I knew I had a choice. I chose to do it. So I shouldn't regret it. Just move forward.

This lazy feeling is tugging at me.
My stomach is twisting, I feel paranoid.

I don't like it.
But an expierience is an expierience.
Hopefully it'll be the last.
I wish someone would tell me not to, but do I really need someone to tell me that? Cause I already know myself.

I hate it. I feel so useless, powerless.
I know she's hurting, that this is probably one of the most hardest moment in her life so far. If I could say something, do something, do anything to make it better I would.

Life's unfair and it's always the people close to us that hurt us the most.

Warm memories; like a cup of coffee.

I failed to realize how good it was back then.

I wasted time rather then enjoying it.

Now that I look back, I realize how fun it was and how much I should have cherished it. The people I met were truly good people, interesting people and now I can think to myself, what a great time I had. Nostalgic memories flood me. Dancing in the street, mooning people at night, harassing the math teacher, crossing a huge stream just cause I wanted lollipops, laying outside on the sidewalk just to avoid going inside, running through a dark forest only to trip and fall, walking in to stop signs, midnight jogs.

When was it complicated? When did superficial things matter? It scares me to think that I'm going to forget these memories one day, forget how it was so simple, just be happy. Forget the warm memories that I turn to in times of trouble. It scares me when negative feelings over come the better things in life that I should be focusing on and it's scary when I realize, it probably can't be like that again.

today;

was so happy.

+

I don't know why I wanted to move when I was going to miss it so much. I felt like I was suffocating, but now it's like my life line.

If I stayed, I wonder how it would be.
Not meeting the people I did at this new place, meeting people that I never knew existed.
I wouldn't miss them, cause I wouldn't know they existed. But, that's kinda scary thinking that there's still so much more people out there that I haven't met who might, no who WILL change my life.

It's weird thinking about how much longer this road is.
And how every. little. thing. leads up to each and every situation, outcome. Whatever.

human mind;

Have you ever thought about it?


That the how ever many billions of people that walk this Earth, not one of them are the exact same? That each one of them have their own story, distinct personalities that make them who they are.

It's overwhelming.